1.

You were tricked into believing
the key to your literal survival is to sympathize
and “make” him happy

If I could get back everything I gave away,
I’d cherish it more
and move more deliberately
I would lie in the grass and read
as many books as I could,
absorb a universe of knowledge

Unfocus my eyes,
learn to hear colors,
like a Mendelssohn octet
in paint-by-number horses
and watermelon wallpaper

Deny anyone access
and dwell with the mountains
with a vow to escape
to a world of my own

2.

The intermittent “good times” were a key part of how it worked

Here lately each morning is a triumph:
I seized a chariot and chased joy across the sky.
Four flaming horses
cantered with a throaty cry.

I don’t really speak about it
but for so long I was petrified,
weeping through the dark, dark nights
tortured by awful buzzing
and flashing purple lights

And I used to care about such unimportant things:
what so-and-so said or thinks
or how slow time seemed to be,
which was very
very
short-sighted of me

3.

It’s like malware on a computer, running in the background
without any awareness or conscious decision on your end

When I sleep at night
I connect to my visions,
so I try not to sleep at night

4.

You can love him with everything you’ve got,
but if you stay,
you will sacrifice your life for no reason