Because I cannot feel the way
your arms feel around me
I turn on the radio,
but it’s radio silence //

Hoping to find my direction
I keep looking for the signs
But the highway’s oddly empty
I just see mile 28 //

[Sometimes I just need to shut the fuck up]

//
Poison is better
when consumed with a lover

I’m scared of a storm for the first time
though this rain is miraculous
I prefer its quiet murmur
to the whispers of self-doubt
or the ominous thunder
or the rush of the wind

The future is yet unknown
It lies before me
a tantalizing spread
Untouched, shining, succulent, promising
and I need to take my time
I need to savor every moment

I hope that my sun blooms soon
and cuts across my sky
I saw the lightning crash
and shake
the purpose back into life
So now, God, please let me wake
to a brighter day
and some kind of certainty

tried to sing but I can’t anymore
had a dream about the little house on Fir St
woke up with a lump in my throat
woke up and that’s all she wrote

I’m fairly sure I’m not meant to be happy
I’m fairly sure I’m meant to be blue

and in my dream they were all just waiting
they wanted me back so it must not be true

my tongue turns to paper, I’m catching on fire
and forging an aegis for you.

who puts the lining into the cloud

there’s nothing wrong with the clouds,
though they pass us by,
and no law against looking
at the pink eastern sky

though trouble may be brewing,
it brews only in your eye

beautiful things

for me, too
they look so tantalizing
like fresh white roses

merely trinkets

I don’t think of anyone else now
the rain was familiar, but it really brought me down
you’re like a rainbow if it wasn’t ephemeral
I pray that you’ll last, even prayers are temporal
we need the past
but the present is seminal

the series of which
counted carefully
paced peacefully
revealing nearly nothing
but the deep fog
passing over your eyes
a beautiful glaze
entreats something special
essentially unheard of
to me
a smooth and quiet existence
the sensation of perpetual goodness
not defining identity
but driving purpose

keep them
they are sacred meditations
envy is a toxin
and true love is the antidote
disquiet may linger
but patience
will be
my liniment

pulled in all directions, but not you
constant net of interest
swallowing the past is much easier said than done
i thought i was the future, perhaps I am not.
fascinating, the way the silence shows
I miss the shipyard’s horn blows
but not the rush of 23rd Avenue
but perhaps the evergreens
and the kingdom of crows.

I very much would like straight answers
and perhaps a good memoir
and perhaps ink for my pen, or letter-paper
whether or not it’s been written on before.

it’s very strange to ask me
what more do I need?
I eat, drink, sleep
and I want no reward.

tuesday 

Two accidentals
crashing together:
tide lands on sand or an unwitting surfer
bad music to bad ears,
sweet sonata for dissonant hearts

I roll downhill like a child in a barrel
I find my second; now we will fight
each struggling for a root in the chord 
to sprout and flower the prettiest sound

a screaming train a mile down the track
running in the endless circle of feedback
you woke up to ask me an important question
and I swore by my heart
to take the answer
and bear it in my soul
til it birthed to the world
a new reason for life

a voice like caramelized sugar
or a mind like Ruth Bader
or a heart like a heart attack
you wish you could understand, but you can’t.
the facts are facts. hard-headed winners
can’t cope with callous confrontation
or their own disastrous acts.
I wish I could relax but my brain’s in traction
I want so much, but my whole life has been distraction
and I don’t know which direction will atone
Follow the ridge of the river
to guide me home
or find my bones

so indecision be gone
make an argument of my song
objective third parties move along
and in the words of Frantz Fanon
“Oh my body, make of me always
“a man who questions!”

the sand’s slowly shifting
new foundations and sediment drifting
i promise i’ll make new roads for you
the beginning of december a turning point

remember the next week wasn’t easy
and then we disappeared, twin travelers
into fantasies of just each other
and big quilts and warm rice

and even though it hurts my fingers
and pains my brain
to try to keep typing
i’ll press the same keys over and over again
harder this time

can’t be your best friend, let’s just be lovers
a few days later i started closing the shutters
to keep out the snow in the morning and night
and seal our heart-cabin up tight
from the blizzard outside
you wanted to see but i couldn’t entrust you
you took a new look, could not recognize you
your eyes were like fire for once fixed upon me
you still don’t believe me, pushing back gently
your christmas eve presence a snapshot of something
you came up against me, but then reassured me
i still felt the burning, i acted absurdly
you told me a white lie, and i could see through it
if you want to be honest, you might as well do it
or screw it,
just kiss me, i’m not much concerned with accuracy

but then why
when i’m looking out into the deep memory of orion
emblazoned faded against the overcast sky
why are you silent
and so afraid to try
how do i bring back the brazen one